You'll need a lot of courage.

As you step out into the next phase of your life, you're going to need COURAGE - to face your fears, try new things, and handle the bumps life puts in your path. Courage is having faith that you're going to be okay, even though you're scared. There's nothing wrong with being scared. After all, it's taking courage just to leave home and strike out on your own. And let's get real here. You will be challenged, and that's good. When you're struggling is exactly when you learn to have all the courage and strength you need to get through. And when you come out on the other side, you'll have faced your fears, you'll have struggled and won, and you'll feel great. You'll know you're strong and courageous and true to yourself - and that's real happiness.

I hit a low last night that I haven't experienced in quite some time. I know when I wake up the next morning to tears sliding across the bridge of my nose that I've reached a place that will take some effort to climb back out of. I guess it felt particularly awful because I've been in a really wonderful place for about a month now, though in the last week I did notice I was slipping and losing my footing on the good ground I'd found.

The reason I hit the low so hard last night is because I had a conversation with a friend that really struck on a core issue of mine. My friend was pointing out how I react to being told I'm wrong. He told me that I become very offended when he points out that the conclusions I've come to are inaccurate. Without even thinking and without really having the answer in my conscious mind, I asked him if he knew why I become so offended. (It was actually my higherself asking the question... I felt her strong and knew she was about to give us both the answer I needed.) He said he figured I just don't like being wrong... always wanting to be right. Well, when he said that I "saw," with such clarity, the REAL reason I become so offended. For me, being wrong equals being stupid... and something more.

I told him that when he says I'm wrong I hear "You're stupid." He reacted by telling me that THAT was the stupidest thing he's ever heard and the fact that I hold that belief is the only stupid thing about me. OUCH!! That cut me to the core. The essence of what I heard was "Yes, you're stupid... and I don't love you because of it." When I realized how I equate being stupid to being unlovable I was dumb-founded. And then I could suddenly really HEAR that tape recorder that's always playing in the back of my mind. I sat there listening to it as it rattled on and on about how stupid I am. I heard every, "You're not smart enough to do this or that" and every "Don't be stupid" and every "That was a stupid thing to do" comment that I ever received from someone else or thought myself. It's a litany I've lived with for a very long time. I swore repeatedly as I listened... unable to believe that I've never really heard it the way I heard it last night. I knew it was there, but I didn't really comprehend just how much control I've let it have over my life. Last night I saw and felt it with such intensity it really frightened me.

Well, now that I've wandered all over the 'stupid' stuff, I should explain the guidance I got today. First of all I needed this because it was a reminder that I can and HAVE faced some tough challenges and come out on the other side feeling great... feeling strong... feeling so proud of myself. But there was one particular thing in there that really got to me: "There's nothing wrong with being scared".  I needed someone to tell me that today... 1- because the wording itself tells me that being scared doesn't make me unloveable and 2- because it lead me back to something a friend said over a month ago. We were in IM, and I was describing my issue and he had the most incredibly appropriate typo. Instead of typing "It's okay to be scared," he typed "It's okay to be sacred." I needed the reminder that at our core we all consist of divine love and it's okay to accept ourselves as such, there's nothing to fear there.

I've really worked on letting go of needing most people to acknowledge when I'm right because I knew that was a real issue for me. I just didn't realize what lay under the need to not look wrong/stupid, so now I need to reshift my focus and let go of the need to 'not be wrong' in order to be worthy of love... worthy of self-love.

I had a nice month-long break.  Now it's time to roll up my sleeves and get back to work!